You know when you've been seeing a guy for a little while and it's seems to be going ok until it's not? I've been thinking about this a lot lately after a relationship with a guy I had been seeing for a few months ended. By the end of it, I knew I was attracted to him but I wasn't so sure I liked him as a person. It's not the only reason, but I think a major part of my dating struggle is that I've been spending a lot of time looking for chemistry and a lot less time thinking about the compatibility part of the equation.
This last guy had an incredibly magnetic personality and I was immediately attracted to him. I definitely moved too quickly with him and I didn’t allow enough space to really get to know him and see if we were actually compatible in the long run.
If I’m being really honest, I knew from the start that it would never last. For one thing he was 14 years older than me, which I tried to say didn’t matter but that’s a really big age gap and completely different life stages. It’s not that we didn’t have any chemistry. We definitely did, but we just were not compatible in the long run.
In order for a relationship to be successful, I think you have to have a good balance of chemistry and compatibility. I have some guy friends who I’m super compatible with but we have no chemistry. And then, like the guy I mentioned above, I’ve dated guys who I’ve got a ton of chemistry with but we aren’t compatible because our life goals don’t compliment each other’s, we both have alpha personalities, one of us someday wants kids and the other doesn’t, they don’t love my dog, etc. The point is, we compromise a lot when we feel that intense attraction to someone, but eventually you’re going to need more than just pure attraction to keep the relationship alive. Those things you decided didn’t matter in the beginning, suddenly come roaring back up and they actually do matter because they’re a core part of who you are and what you’re looking for in a stable long term partner.
I’m not saying you should immediately start planning your wedding with every guy you meet, just take a minute to see if he seems like someone you could see yourself spending weekends with or traveling with or bringing to the porch gatherings you have with all your friends/neighbors. There is definitely something to be said for taking things slow. It gives you time to think with your head and your heart, not just with your hormones. It’s hard with the dating app culture to look for more than just physical attraction and maybe that’s why casual dating is such a big thing now. It seems to me though, if you want a real relationship, then you have to be brave enough to acknowledge that when you start dating someone you’re doing it with the intention of it leading to a long term commitment. Once you’ve acknowledged that, your whole perspective on dating will change and compatibility will become a priority.
What are your tips for creating a long lasting connection with someone? Tell me in the comments below!